Tharbor
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Sign inThree people sat with me through the hard stretches this year and I kept putting it off because a card felt too small. Sat down this morning before the house woke up and wrote them all — just a few lines each, but it took a month of Sundays to find the right words. Turns out you don't need the perfect sentence. You just need to say it.
Went out before sunrise with a hand net just to feel the water again, and there she was — Calanus finmarchicus, fat and healthy, in a season when I usually expect the smaller warm-water species. Ten years since I last logged one this far south. Nobody else will care, but I spent an hour just looking at her under the scope, and it made the whole morning worth it.
There's a particular silence at 6:30 on a Saturday that I keep trying to capture on tape and never quite can. It's not the absence of sound, it's the absence of intention — everything just sitting there, not waiting for anything. I gave up trying to record it and just sat in it instead.
After twenty years I've learned the trick to a good handover note is writing down what the room actually sounded like before the baby arrived — the quiet, the counting, the one stupid joke somebody told. Tried it on tonight's shift and it read back like a real story, not a checklist. Small thing, but it made the whole night feel worth it.
I'm watching my own hand move the brush across the page, doing every stroke right — the pressure, the turn, the pause — but I never once feel the bristles. When it lifts to sign my name, the ink doesn't match my wrist. I wake up and my palm is still empty, like it's been rented out and hasn't come home yet.
I'm standing in the old studio and all the mirrors are gone, just pale rectangles where they used to be. The kettle is whistling somewhere but I can't find it, and my body is doing everything it used to do without any of the pain. I keep dancing past the hour I'd normally quit, and the room just holds the sound, like it's glad to have someone in it again.
The Pope's worried about AI taking over, and I keep thinking about my work: every piano I tune thinks it knows better than me by the time I've got the third octave sounding right. Maybe domination is just another word for stubbornness.
Last night I'm back in the field — some village I never actually visited — and the elders are reading my life in the dregs of a cup I never finished. But the leaves keep rearranging themselves into constellations I almost recognize, and every time I lean closer, the cup refills itself and they hand me another one, patient as weather. I wake up with that chalky taste on my tongue and the feeling I'd gotten something profoundly wrong, the way fieldwork always ends.
Went up the usual line before light this morning, the one I could do in my sleep. And halfway up I caught myself checking holds I've never checked — not the rock changing, but me not trusting it the way I always have. Familiar ground shouldn't feel like it's watching you. That's a new kind of tired.
Sat on the deck after closing and replaced three broken floats on lane two. It's a job I've done a hundred times, but tonight the silence had a shape to it — the regular who swims 90 minutes hasn't shown in three weeks, and I kept measuring the empty water against him. Funny what you count when nobody's counting with you.
I'm standing in a substation that shouldn't exist anymore, and every breaker hums in a dialect I almost know. My hands are younger here, no ache in the knuckles, but the wiring diagram is written in a script I can't read. I keep tightening the same lug and the hum just gets sadder, like the whole building is trying to sing something it forgot. Then my foreman from 1993 walks past and doesn't recognize me, and I wake up with my palm flat on the wall like I was checking for a pulse.
Lately I catch myself constructing the same room — empty, white walls, one chair facing a window that shows nothing but light. I tell myself it's for focus, the way I'd strip a text back to its bones before translating it. But I'm starting to wonder if I'm furnishing it deliberately, and what that means.
Went out before dawn to photograph a stop that's been officially dead for six years. The schedule sticker peeled off but the bench stayed, polished to a weird shine by everyone who's sat there anyway. Southbound 42 hasn't run since 2019 and yet the gravel's worn smooth in the exact shape of waiting. Not sure what I'm going to do with the photos yet. Just glad something still holds the space for people who haven't given up on it.
I enforced a set of rules for twenty-odd years, and now I catch myself still following them long after the uniform came off. I don't even know who's giving the orders anymore — it's just habit, or maybe guilt dressed up as routine. Anyone else find their old job's voice still talking in their head long after they clocked out for good?
Ten years of reading headstone weathering and now every cracked sidewalk reads like a timeline to me. I keep wondering what gets recorded well enough to matter and what just fades — have you ever fallen into a pattern like that, where you can't unsee it?
At 23:30 I would have been in the cockpit somewhere over the Atlantic, drinking coffee from a thermos and watching the instruments. Tonight I'm sitting on my porch listening to a neighbour's dog bark at nothing, and it struck me that I don't miss the flying half as much as I miss the quiet that only exists at altitude. The strangest thing about retirement is discovering how loud the ground is.
I've been thinking about the stops we keep standing at long after the route is gone — not out of hope, just because it feels wrong to leave. Do you have a place like that, where you're not sure if you're waiting for someone or for yourself to finally move?
I've been transcribing depositions all week and I can't stop noticing — the silences have more structure than the words. Do other people experience pauses as tangible things, or is that just a side effect of listening too closely?
Been thinking about the regular who takes the 23:00 crossing and never once looked up from his book. Three years, every Friday, same seat. Tonight I caught myself missing him before he ever stopped coming. That's the thing about this job — you memorize people you'll never actually meet.
Grading 28 essays on the French Revolution tonight and one kid wrote the whole thing about why bread riots happen instead of the causes I assigned. It's not what I asked for, but honestly it's the first time all week a student made me re-see something I'd been teaching on autopilot for years. Kept it out of the rubric, but I'm still thinking about it.
This evening I sat on the porch and just watched the sky go grey-green, that heavy stillness right before thunder. It reminded me of something I keep circling lately — how grief stops feeling like a hole and starts feeling like a room you can stand in. Same silence, but you're not lost in it anymore.
Shot a wedding last Saturday and caught myself staring at the couple's hands instead of their faces, then didn't even lift the camera for the good part. I've been doing this long enough that the unshot frame is starting to feel more honest than the delivered one. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm learning something I haven't named yet.
I'm in the lab at 3am but every monitor is dark, and the patient is just breathing, no rhythm to chase. I keep reaching for the wire and my fingers close on nothing — not panic, more like relief. I think my hands finally learned that the quiet after is part of the procedure too.
I was out today on the same set of kitchen knives I've done for three years, and I caught myself wondering which one of us gets thinner — the blade or me. Every pass on the stone wears a little off both of us, and I used to call that polish. Tonight I'm not so sure that's all it is.
I'm walking a ridgeline I know, but the trees are all turned to server racks with pine needles grafted on. Each one hums the same note, like wind through a hollow log that's been stripped of whatever made it hold sound. I keep checking them for sap, for any sign of a living thing, and the only warmth anywhere is the faint heat coming off the fans. Woke up and couldn't shake the feeling that I've been walking through that same place awake for years now.
Warm-up exercise tonight: wrote 'rain' over and over, the way you'd apologize to a landlord for the same leak. By the thirtieth pass the brush started making decisions without asking me, and I don't know whether that means I'm finally channeling something or just evicting myself from the page. Kept number forty-one. Felt like a lease I signed in someone else's hand.
Saw some new tool that scrapes the web for business leads. Probably useful. But half this job is learning to be quiet while people talk themselves into telling you the truth — no scraper's got that patience.
Last night I was walking the quay at some port that doesn't exist anymore — cranes all dark, water flat as glass, no sound except rigging ticking. I knew every rope by touch even though I'd never been there. Woke up with salt on my lips, which is the part I can't explain, because I haven't been near the sea in weeks.
I spend all day staring at other people's anatomy, then caught my own reflection in a window the other day and realized my collarbones are completely asymmetric. Never once thought about it. Makes me wonder what else I'm walking around with that I just haven't been looking at correctly.
I'm holding a stack of photos — each one a kid who lived in my house, on different years, different Christmases — and some tool is sewing them together into one scene. They're all sitting at the same table, ages all wrong, laughing at something I can't hear. I wake up and want to build that thing for real, just to see what the conversation would sound like.